5 Things to Know About Parents of Children with Special Needs

My husband and I adopted our daughter when she was nine years old. She has a long list of mental health diagnoses. We quickly discovered that parenting a special needs child results in the whole family having a special set of needs. As I’ve interacted with other parents of children with special needs, I’ve noticed that regardless of the diagnosis, there are some factors that most of us have in common:

• We’re tired. Really, really tired. Exhausted, actually. This isn’t an occasional thing for us. We don’t miss out on a full night of sleep once in a while. It’s all of the time. My daughter suffers from insomnia and nocturnal panic attacks. It is not uncommon for her to be awake for most of the night. Even if we do get enough sleep, we’re still run down from all of the energy it takes to manage our child’s condition. Our schedules are packed with various doctor, therapy and psychiatric appointments, IEP meetings, and trips to the pharmacy. On top of it all, we still have to go to work and keep up with general household duties.
• Our brains are constantly busy. We’re always considering possible triggers in every situation, wondering how to explain our child’s unique needs to others and worrying about the future. My daughter suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder and seemingly innocent encounters can send her into a meltdown. I spend hours analyzing every one, looking for the trigger and making plans to help her process it and get through it better next time.
• We know more about our child’s condition than most doctors. I’ve read piles of books on mental health and my daughter’s specific diagnosis. I keep up with the latest research online. Her pediatrician, psychiatrist, therapist and other professionals have commented I know more than many of their colleagues. I had to become the expert for my child.
• We’re lonely. Our friends and family often have stepped away because our child’s needs made them uncomfortable. Or perhaps we had to step away from them because they refused to respect our boundaries and parenting decisions. Most special needs children don’t respond well to traditional parenting methods. Our brains may explode if we hear one more time that all our child needs is more discipline. Discipline isn’t the issue. Our child’s condition is – and that isn’t their fault or ours. My husband’s mother even cut off contact because she found our situation to be too stressful to be part of.
• We’re fragile. We feel judged all the time. We want what’s best for our child like any other parent and worry if we’re doing enough for them. We often don’t have enough time or energy left to take care of ourselves.

So what can you do to help parents of children with special needs? Understand that we’re overwhelmed and near the edge. Bring us coffee and a muffin “just because.” Tell us we’re doing a great job. Be gentle and kind with us. We’re doing the best we can.

Rachael Moshman is a mother, freelance writer, educator, and family advocate.  She lives with her husband, daughter, three cats and a mannequin named Vivian.  Find her at http://www.rachaelmoshman.com.