Fearless Parenting

The following scenario explores effective strategies for parents to engage with their tweens, emphasizing open communication, non-judgmental listening and collaborative problem-solving. It highlights the importance of giving tweens a chance to own their mistakes and learn from them, fostering honesty and trust. By creating an environment where tweens feel seen and heard, parents can help them develop better decision-making skills and emotional resilience.

We follow Brandon as he navigates a delicate situation with his son, Ethan. After receiving a text from Ethan’s scout leader, Jim Domingo, Brandon learns that Ethan failed to turn in important badge paperwork, making him ineligible for the award this year. Determined to handle the situation differently this time, Brandon seeks a constructive conversation with Ethan, focusing on understanding and empathy rather than anger and punishment.

He looks at his son, now almost his height now. Brandon aims to approach Ethan without forcing him to defend a lie. In his previous attempt to curtail the lying, he was angry, demanding, and punitive—obviously, a failed attempt.

For parents, the best ways to format this conversation – meaning both people talk to each other – include:

• Approach the conversation in a way that invites the tween to respond so they are seen and heard.
• Be curious and open-minded without judgment. 
• Listen to understand their story and perspective. 
• Demonstrate that we believe in them and that you’re on the same team.
• Keep in mind that this mistake neither limits nor labels them.
• Don’t over-talk, lecture, or interrupt them. 
• Create a learning opportunity. 
• Regulate your emotions so you don’t become a problem.
• Establish the real problem – turning in the paper on time.
• Keep character in mind.

“Ethan, I need your help. I signed off on the badge requirements last night, but Mr. Domingo texted that it didn’t get turned in, so you can’t get the award this year.”

Brandon notices a flicker of panic in Ethan’s eyes. The last thing he wants to do is pressure him into lying. He says, “I’m on your side, son.”

“You signed the form, and then we talked about my soccer coach. I gave it to Mr. Domingo last night.”

Here, we see a tween choosing to do something without considering the consequences. Poor decision-making is indicative of their immature prefrontal cortex. They can’t think about the long-term aspects, weigh the pros and cons, or even realize they can pause and think it over. They don’t have the capacity for higher-level cognitive processing. They don’t want to be in trouble, and they want to save face.

“This is tough for us, Ethan. I want to give you a fresh start. I think you may have another story to tell. Let’s erase that conversation, as if it didn’t happen and begin again. I’m here for you.”

Let’s clarify the basis for this Re-Do:

• It is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. 
• It is not fixing the tween’s issue. 
• It is recognizing the problem and dealing with it head-on.
• It is an opportunity for tweens to speak the truth: to own their mistake.
• It’s a chance to show he can be honest and trusted. 

Ethan breaks down. “Dad, I lied. I don’t know why. I forgot the paper. I feel bad.”

“I appreciate your honesty. Shall we start fresh?”

With a relieved nod from Ethan, they replay the conversation, with Ethan admitting he did not give Mr. Domingo the paper. Then Brandon asks him if they can explore ideas to solve the problem of turning in the paper on time. We want our tweens to be problem solvers. His dad asks, “What would you do differently next time?”

Ethan suggests:

“I will put the paper with my project stuff right after you sign it.”

“I will text you to bring it if I forget it.”

“I will finish it sooner.”

“I will explain my problem to Mr. Domingo.”

“And I’ll tell the truth.”

A tween voicing possible solutions for next time is immensely more valuable than a parent lecturing or telling them what to do. Expressing “I will…” sets their brains to carry out the actions in the future.

We often need to remind ourselves that tweens are the only ones who can solve their problems.  They are the solutions! In this case, Ethan is the only one who can take ownership of turning in his paper on time. He is the only one who can tell his story truthfully. He is the only one who can apologize for lying, and he’s the only one who can implement better choices next time.

As parents, we aim to build relationships, foster problem-solving skills, and provide learning opportunities for our tweens. Our intention is not to catch them doing wrong or prove them guilty. We never want to set ourselves up as the all-powerful one because that leaves our child powerless. The powerless have no choices. We want to improve their cognitive processing and address challenging events with calm and confidence. We can do this!

About

JoAnn Schauf founder of Your Tween and You, an author, and a seasoned speaker who specializes in parenting and adolescent coaching. She authors the blog The Tween Times and actively engages with parents through workshops and conferences. Holding a Master of Science in counselling, JoAnn’s early career included roles as a therapist in a psychiatric hospital and a counselor in various educational settings, from secondary schools to colleges.

Her best-selling book, Loving the Alien: How to Parent Your Tween, was inspired by her interactions with bewildered parents navigating their children’s early adolescence and the pervasive influence of technology—a journey she’s familiar with as a mother of four. Residing in Austin, Texas, JoAnn dedicates her free time to volunteer work and enjoys relaxing on California beaches. Connect with her at yourtweenandyou.com.