Teen dating often marks the first time young people experience emotional intimacy, and with that can come a tricky, often unspoken challenge for parents: When does emotional support turn into emotional dependence?
Marti Burton, MA, ALC, NCC, EMDR-T, a therapist at Empower Counseling & Coaching in Birmingham, explains that one of the biggest differences between healthy emotional support and unhealthy dependency in teens lies in how they function when spending time apart from their significant other.
“In a typical healthy relationship, partners enjoy spending time together but can also find comfort in spending time with themselves or others without their partner,” Burton says. “Security and stability don’t falter when they’re apart. These relationships teach teens respect, growth, and independence.”
Unhealthy dependence, she explains, often looks very different. “Teens may struggle to feel secure when they’re not together and may begin isolating from family or friends. Other signs include fear of upsetting a partner when expressing needs, guilt for having different needs, possessiveness, loss of identity or self-worth tied to the relationship, and attempts to control what the other partner can do.”
That type of dependency can also trigger a teen’s urge to “fix” their partner’s problems. Because teens are still developing emotional regulation skills, Burton explains, they may try to manage their own overwhelming emotions by focusing on their partner instead. “If I can fix my partner, then the emotions I’m experiencing will go away,” she says. Idealized views of romance and a desire for purpose or accomplishment can further reinforce that pattern.
Parents can often spot when a relationship is becoming emotionally overwhelming. While some behavioral changes are normal during adolescence, red flags may include increased anxiety when apart from a partner, withdrawal from family and friends, or major shifts in personal identity.
So how can parents step in without demonizing the relationship or pushing their teen away? Burton encourages leading with curiosity rather than control. Asking open-ended questions like, “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think about that situation?” can open the door to honest conversation without judgment. Just as importantly, parents can model healthy communication, independence, and respect in their own relationships.
Burton notes that there are situations—such as abuse or harm—where direct parental intervention is necessary. But in many cases, guidance and modeling can go a long way.
Ultimately, helping teens understand the difference between compassion and self-sacrifice is key. Caring deeply about someone should not require losing yourself in the process. When teens learn that healthy love includes boundaries, independence, and self-care, they’re better equipped to build relationships that support them.
