A Sense of Belonging

“I just don’t know where I belong…”

When I first heard that sentiment from students, early on in my career as an elementary school counselor, I thought I had all the answers and knew exactly how to help. I gave suggestions on how to better connect with others, or how to fit into groups so they could feel more at ease. During sessions, we’d role play conversations and make plans on how to communicate better with those in their school and home circles.

And although I always provided a safe, supportive environment, the truth was, I wasn’t actually helping.

It took one special student that first year to make me realize that my approach wasn’t at all what these children and adolescents needed.

The student was struggling with their family and feeling like an outsider.  In a family of five, she felt like she was the only one that didn’t fit in. From how she identified as an individual to what her belief system was, she feared that she had to be like them in order to be accepted. Her brothers longed for her to play sports.  Her father wished for her to stop questioning her faith, and her mother pushed for her to dress more feminine each morning as they got ready for school.

She felt alone, confused and less than as a person.  And that led her to put in a request to see me almost every day.

Each time she’d knock on my door, with tears in her eyes,  I’d try my usual approach of teaching her ways to incorporate better with others.

However, one time, just as we were just about to wrap up and  I was going to send her back to class, she interrupted me and said, “Do you know what I really want?  I just want someone to tell me that I’m great  just the way I am.”

I stopped, stunned.

It hit me like a slap in the face that this was what had been missing in my work with students. Especially my work with this student.

I was missing true empathy and acceptance.

Instead of trying to help them fit in, I needed to help them embrace their own unique and amazing parts of themselves that really did make them great.

I stopped her from walking out of my office and instead asked her to sit back down.  For the next few minutes, I tapped into my own experiences and told her that I understood what it was like to not fit in somewhere. Although I didn’t have that same family structure that she was experiencing, I had felt left out in my life in different situations before.  I told her that  the qualities in herself that made her feel like she didn’t fit in were actually her greatest strengths.  It takes courage to embrace who you really are in a world telling you otherwise.

And when we finally finished talking, I made sure to tell her the very thing she longed to hear – she was great, just as she was.

That conversation not only changed the course of my counseling work with students, it also inspired me to write, “What Are You, Lou?” a story about a fluffy-tailed, giant-eared, colorful animal that struggles with standing out in a world that constantly tries to box him in. 

My work as first a classroom teacher, then school counselor and now, school administrator, has given me the opportunity to work with students experiencing a range of different feelings, emotions and struggles.  But there is one consistent longing that weaves through each student that has walked through my door.  A longing to belong.

The truth is, as adults, we are no different.  We struggle to find our community that makes us feel “great” and gives us a place to be our authentic selves.  This book isn’t just for the kids feeling that, but the parents who hold them tight and want to see them shine, as well as the teachers and educators that hope  to connect with their students so they can grow and thrive socially and personally.

I often had parents reach out for help on how to navigate these situations with their child.  My number one piece of advice was to validate their feelings.  Don’t we all want to feel heard?  Children and adolescents are no different.  They want us to acknowledge their struggles and emotions.  As parents, we can also share a story about a time we felt similarly.  Let them know they aren’t alone. Even if you haven’t experienced their exact situation, you probably have experienced the same emotions at some point in your life. We also develop stronger relationships with our children when we make an effort to point out their positives, as they connect to their unique qualities.  I remember a student that dyed their hair blue, and although I cringed at the thought that she put dye on her beautiful blond hair, I knew it was important to build her up.  I told her that the color matched her spunky, wonderful personality, and her big smile after hearing that showed me that my words helped to make her feel seen and appreciated..

I think about that first student so much, even almost ten years later.  I’ve left the world of school counseling and stepped into educational administration, though I use those counseling skills and lessons learned not only with the students I interact with, but also my own two children. I’m far from a perfect parent and there are moments that I long to push my way into their lives and decisions, but then I’m reminded of that student.  I’m reminded about the power of acceptance and I try to step forward with love and back with judgment.  Is it easy?  No.  Am I always successful? No to that too. (They are teenagers so….)  But do I always try? Yes.

I’m a different communicator because of that student.  When I talk to children now, I don’t pull out those role play conversations or techniques for fitting in. Instead, I try to start each conversation asking them to share the qualities that make them unique.  And when they do, I make a point to assure them that each and every one of those qualities makes them great…just as they are.

Danielle Herzog is an elementary assistant principal (former school counselor) by day, and by night a kid lit writer, mother and member of one ridiculously insane large Italian family. 

As a freelance writer, she has contributed to The Washington Post, The Chicago Tribune, Parenting, The Huffington Post, Nickelodeon, and more, covering topics from parenting to education and mental health. Danielle is also a speaker and workshop leader on counseling, education, writing, and blogging, with on-air reporting experience. Her debut picture book, What Are You Lou? is now available.