Saying Goodbye

When children lose a cherished pet, it may be their first experience with death. My first experience as a child with death was when a family dog named Skippy vanished from my life. I was a very young child, maybe four or five years old. I remember Skippy very well; he was a beautiful brown and black beagle mix, who lived with my aunt and uncle. I looked forward to visiting my aunt and uncle so I could see and interact with Skippy. I was a little tyke, but oh how I remember him!

One time, my family and I were visiting my aunt and uncle, and, unfortunately, Skippy was not there. I do not remember any conversation about him, only that he was not present, and I missed the love he showered on me. I never was able to find out what happened to Skippy, who provided me with my first experience of love and loss for a pet.

As an adult, I often wonder what happened to Skippy. I feel sad to this day, because I never found out, but I am grateful that he was in my life and I am fortunate to have a picture of the two of us, a picture that brings me a special moment of happiness.

So please, always be straight forward with your child about your pet’s passing, with age-appropriate information and honesty. For example, do not say the family pet was “put to sleep.” It is very important to be honest about death and reassure your child. Using the words “death” and “dying” will help your child realize the permanence of the absence of your pet. Reassure them that you are there for them. Listening and spending more time cuddling can help them through their fears.

Keep in mind that the way in which children cope with death and pet loss depends on their developmental state. Everyone, no matter their age, has their own personal approach to grief.

Time, patience, understanding, love, and respect to everyone who is grieving a loss in their life are so important. Here are some tips to help children through their grief process:

• The grief process has no timeline, and it can ebb and flow. There can be days, and even moments, when you feel that you have been knocked over by grief. Then, on some days you may feel that things are less trying.
• Grief can be unpredictable, and there can be some situations (aka “triggers”) that set off the child’s grief. This is why it is so important to inform children’s teachers, care givers, and the parents of their friends. They may be able to pick up a concerning part of their grief during the times they are in their care.
• Be there for your child during this time of grief. It is important to check in with them often and ask them how they are doing today. If they cannot express themselves in words, ask them to act it out. Things like “I feel angry”, punch a pillow, “I am so sad”, hold a special stuffed animal, or cuddle in a blanket can be helpful.

Their grief may be expressed in outbursts of sadness, anger, boisterous activity or perhaps some other actions that seem unacceptable. There may be times when their behavior needs to be redirected.

It is very important to encourage routines in your child’s life, since some of the ones that involved their pet are no longer in place. Encourage them to share their feelings. Talk about their feelings and allow them to engage in activities where they can show how they feel through artwork and movement. Some additional ideas might be drawing a picture of their pet, telling some silly stories of their pet, writing about their pet, expressing how much they miss them, creating a book with photos and favorite words about their pet.

Do not hide your own grief. It is also important to let them see your grief and very helpful for you to not isolate yourself. It can be a wonderful way to support each other.

In my first career as an educator of children, I was frequently informed of a loss of a pet in a family and some of the effects it was having on the child. I had one or two favorite books in my collection that I would read to the class on this topic. Sometimes we would follow up with a lesson on pets in our lives with an accompanying art activity. It provided an opportunity for the children to ask questions and express their feelings for some past and present losses. There are many wonderful books available to help explain the death of a pet to children as well as the topic of any loss. Ask a librarian or your child’s teacher for age-appropriate books on pet grief and loss. It can help bring a deeper understanding of this loss to the child and can help open the door to understanding that all living beings die.

About

Anne Marie Farage Smith is a lifelong animal lover and an advocate for all animals. She holds a Master of Science degree in mental health counseling from St. John Fisher University and a Master of Science degree in education from Nazareth University, and is a Pet Loss Grief Counseling Trained Professional. As a licensed mental health counselor and educator in private practice, she has offered clinical guidance to many individuals and groups experiencing grief and loss. She currently resides in Rochester, NY, where she enjoys spending time with her family, visiting local parks with her dog, Jazzy, traveling, and pursuing creative activities. Healing Wisdom for Pet Loss: An Animal Lover’s Guide to Grief is now available.